stillness

Fifty-five days have passed… I was 14 weeks pregnant and went to my appointment to hear the heartbeat for the first time. I was blessed to see my baby for the first time on the screen. I can see his/her tiny head, body and limbs. Aww…such a sweet miracle. But wait, there is no heartbeat..it was undetected. This was after weeks of severe morning sickness. I was shocked, devastated and numb.

I didn't have any spotting or symptoms. The only thing I did notice was that my symptoms seemed to be going away. I attributed it to getting over the first trimester. I must admit I did have a 6th sense that all was not perfect. My diagnosis was a ''missed abortion,'' a cruel name for a miscarriage. My doctor scheduled a D&C for me on Tuesday and I spent the whole night being miserable and concerned. However, I was heavily bleeding on Sunday noon so D&C was imminent that evening.

I had told most of my family and friends. My family & relatives were very supportive, but I endured many hurtful responses from my friends. Many people would utter something like,

“Nanti ada rezeki lain.”

“Never mind you can try again.”

“What are you afraid off? The most important thing is that you are ok now.”

“What did you do to yourself?”

“Yeah, some people just don’t have strong uterus.”

I just wanted to shout to their faces… “Oi, shut up!!” Don’t you all know that I’m hurting inside out? I don’t want to talk about future instead I want to talk about present, my intense grief and the lost of my precious baby. Of course, I accept the fact that yes, there will be another chance; insyaAllah no denying in that but people just couldn’t understand my current state. It was hard telling people about it. It was also hard going about my life around the people who didn't know -- they couldn't possible understand how I was feeling. In retrospect, I think I wished I hadn't told so many friends early on.

People don't know how to act towards us, because from where they are standing, nothing has changed. I really wanted someone to tell me that it was okay to grieve, okay to feel sad, and okay to be angry. Because we have not ''lost'' anything visible to other people, we feel that we should act as if nothing happened. But something did happen, and we need to grieve. We need to cry for this baby and for ourselves.

I am taking my time to heal. Some days were ok and some were crappy. Sometimes I'll be angry, sometimes sad, sometimes filled with disbelief, the list goes on. I have gone through a lot of emotions, just like dealing with the death of a relative or someone I know. People just have to wait for me being me again. Then again, maybe this is just plain me. The other side of me. If my friends could not accept the new me then, sod it d^_^b.




I am still pulsing...
He as usual...
Tuning to calm steady beats...
Yups..the kind of beats I like to hear...
Relax beats...
Just the two of us...
Like before...